Ah, dating sites. A veritable shopping mall of potential love interests, compiled into a handy app (or apps, depending on your shopping preferences). You’re bound to meet all sorts of people on them, but are you sure that the pictures you’ve chosen for your profile are showing you in your best light? Of course, if you want to show potential suitors how educated, fun, cultured, up for an adventure, and kind you are, you definitely don’t want to post those awesome pictures of you snorkeling, scuba diving, sailing, exploring ancient ruins, white water rafting, zip lining, doing volunteer work, traveling to cool places, hiking, playing with your rescued animal, skiing, posing with your favorite piece at an art museum, riding roller coasters, attending a concert, gardening, playing competitive sports, or chillaxing at the beach. That would be social suicide.
Potential matches would much rather see you buying an annual pass to SeaWorld, wearing your new fur coat, and leaving your dog in a hot car. So show off those pics and get ready to meet some awesome* matches!
*not actually awesome
Here are the top 10 types of dating profile pictures that will totally make people swipe right on you:
1. A picture of you swimming with captive dolphins
What, didn’t you know that nothing turns potential matches on quite like depressed dolphins dying in swimming pools while they haul tourists around on their dorsal fins?
2. A picture of you holding up a dead fish
Holding tortured dead animals. Oooh baby. Amirite?
3. A picture of you on a hunting trip
Everyone thinks that serial killers are just so sexy. Walter Palmer probably hasn’t had a night off from dating since he posted pictures of himself smiling over Cecil’s dead body.
4. A picture of you riding an elephant
J.Merena | CC BY 3.0
Show Mr. or Ms. Right how you tamed that wild elephant (or rather gave $10 to a couple of trainers with bats and bullhooks), who now wants nothing more than to carry you around (or kick the sh*t out of you—one of the two).
5. A picture of you with a captive baby tiger, sloth, bird, or other wild animal
Tinder may have discouraged posting images like this and told users, “More often than not, these photos take advantage of beautiful creatures that have been torn from their natural environment. Wild animals deserve to live in the wild.” But just like Judd Nelson in The Breakfast Club, you’re no rule follower.
6. A selfie you took with a wild animal
WTF is wrong with people? Baby dolphin dies after being passed around for selfies: https://t.co/cMekyUBprS pic.twitter.com/MlGIgNshgM
— PETA (@peta) February 18, 2016
Wild animals keep dying for human selfies, but animals shanimals, it’s you with a baby shark!
7. A picture of you grilling animal body parts
Slabs of oozing, bloody animal flesh make you soooo irresistible.
8. A picture of you at a horse race or dog race
You won $40 on a race right before “your” horse kicked the bucket? Wow, you must have some luck! Dumb feather hats aside, do you want potential matches to try to guess which person in the photo is you?
9. A picture of you at the Running of the Bulls
You chased animals to their deaths in the bullring? I mean, you’re practically a gladiator. Where do I sign, Russell Crowe?
10. A picture with all the puppies your un-spayed dog had
Way to exacerbate the animal homelessness crisis, genius.
So yeah, in case you couldn’t tell, this list is full of sarcasm. But if you want your DMs to be full of pick-up lines, we suggest ditching those animal-unfriendly pics pronto and swapping them for images of you following a compassionate, sustainable vegan lifestyle.
Get yourself some fresh photos with the bomb lighting that show how kind you are to animals and the planet. And since nobody wants someone who’s fake, actually being kind to animals and the planet will up your Bumble game, too.
It’s nice to snuggle up with someone who’s passionate and compassionate. Prove that you’re both with this heartwarming new tee!