Published by PETA.

Your beard may be as dirty as what comes out of your rear, a recent study found.

New Mexico news station KOAT 7 took swabs of volunteers’ beards and tested them in a laboratory. Some samples contained average amounts of bacteria, while others contained as much as a toilet!

Cutting Beard

With this information, just how are you going to get someone to kiss that stubble of yours? Well, clean it up with these plant-based washes—free from animal testing—and then protect it from ever-evasive bacteria.

First, wash your face.

Scrub, scrub, scrub the stool off your face with LUSH’s Kalamazoo Beard and Facial Wash. Or lather up Earth Science’s Clarifying Facial Wash to cleanse that caca. No water is necessary with SW Basics’ Skin Care Cleanser, a soap- and alcohol-free cleanser with a bit of organic tea tree oil to battle the grossness. Act of Being even makes a shaving essentials kit that’s perfect for de-gunking any man’s face.

LUSH Beard Wash

Jack Black’s Pure Clean Daily Facial Cleanser comes ready to combat floaties with its astringent aloe and sage leaf. Hawaii’s fragrant awapuhi plant will smother that doodie when you use Desert Essence’s Thoroughly Clean Face Wash. Fend off diaper rash of the face with Number 4 High Performance Haircare’s Hydrate Collection! Once any skid marks are washed away, clean up stray hairs with Herban Cowboy shave products.

Then, protect it.

Tootsie rolls don’t stand a chance when met with Jack Black’s MP10 Nourishing Oil. And The Fancifulfox’s Beard Oil is full of “vitamin and mineral plant oils that work to moisturize and tame wild whiskers” as well as taming sewer serpents, we’re sure. Stay refreshed with Max Green Alchemy’s Scruff Rescue collection.

Beard Oil

LUSH’s Grease Lightning spray gel works on problematic dirt and oil and is blended with aloe vera and grape juice, which surely take a blast to greasy gobbers. And no face is finished without a moisturizer. Create another layer against volcanic whoopies with these nine skin-saving vegan moisturizers.

Whether the swab tests are verifiable or not, you’ll sure feel better knowing that your face is free from any and all stinger steamers.

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