It’s been 16 long weeks since we last had a Vivisector of the Week to vote on, but we’re going to make up it for all in one go right here: You asked for it (OK, whatever, you didn’t ask for it), so here it is … just in time for March Madness, 16 of the nation’s most reprehensible, university-funded animal torturers going head-to-head in PETA’s first-ever Vivisector of the Week tournament—ladies and gentlemen, meet the March Mad Scientists!!!
For the next four weeks, I’m going to be highlighting one of the biggest showdowns in the tournament, then opening up voting for the remaining contenders. If you want to do this scientifically, you can check out this handy cheat sheet to get an idea of which institutes of learning have the most sick, pointless, and barbaric animal-experimentation programs hidden away in their basements. Or you could just vote for your hometown school and pick a bunch of other ones at random (that’s pretty much how I’m doing my NCAA brackets). So let’s get this thing underway—here’s the top bracket in this week’s … Sick Sixteen!
University of Pittsburgh vs. Michigan State University:
Patrick Kochanek, Pittsburgh.
Down in Pittsburgh’s secretive laboratories, a team of experimenters led by Dr. Patrick “Frankenstein” Kochanek are working deep into the night to reanimate the corpses of dogs, pigs, and mice. Seriously, I couldn’t make this crap up if I wanted to: Under Kochanek’s cold-hearted guidance, a group of “scientists” drain the blood from animals for up to three hours, pump an ice-cold salt solution into their veins until they’re scientifically dead, then shock them back alive. The animals usually suffer massive physical and psychological trauma in the process, but that’s a small price to pay for a zombie army, right? Right??
Arthur Weber, Michigan State.
Michigan State University’s Arthur Weber ain’t afraid of no zombies. This guy has a signature move that would frighten even the undead. This cat torturer’s got his technique down pat: First he injures their optic nerve, then he dissects the overlying tissues, inserts a surgical hook, and places a clamp on the nerve. Next on the agenda: Wait for seven days until it’s time to remove the cats’ eyes while they’re still alive! Then it’s killing time, and onto another batch of kitties—Weber’s been at this game for more than 25 years. That’s a whole lot of cats!
Only one of these contenders can advance to the next round, so choose carefully! Cast your vote for the vilest vivisector using the form below, and feel free to leave a comment explaining your selection.
The cheat sheet will help you decide which other universities deserve to advance, and we’ll be back next week with the Evil Eight! Stay tuned!!!