FBI Seeks Vegan Contractors, Potluck Food
The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) has found a new hotbed of activist networking to infiltrate: vegan potlucks. From this City Pages article, it seems that the FBI has taken particular interest in finding informants to report back to them on potential protest activities regarding the upcoming Republican National Convention. In order to do so, they are trying to get moles to attend vegan potlucks in the Minneapolis area and keep tabs on any demonstration plans they may have. Not one to be fooled into believing these elaborate conspiracy theories, I propose a simpler and much more believable reason for these suspicious activities: the FBI is finally gearing up its efforts to obtain my super-secret recipe for vegan apple turnovers with homemade icing. If you ever tasted one of these little pockets of soft and squishy apple goodness wrapped in a flaky, melt-in-your-mouth puff pastry, you would understand and wholeheartedly support their extreme efforts. All this aside, try not to worry. Continue to welcome newbies to your potlucks and make only nominal efforts to check your friends for hidden recording, transmission, or other devices related to espionage. But if you do find yourself breaking bread with Mulder and Scully, let me know. —Sean Posted by Sean Conner, Laboratory Investigations Special Projects Coordinator
