My Vegan Restaurant Etiquette Dilemma (and Why I Didn’t Complain)

Not long ago, I went to dinner at a fabulous Italian restaurant in the small town where I live. There were several vegan choices on the menu, and I decided on a classic favorite—spaghetti with marinara sauce. When my dinner arrived, I realized there was a bit of parmesan grated on top. It was time to put vegan restaurant etiquette into practice.   

Now, to clarify, this dish wasn’t specifically labeled as vegan. It was one that’s typically vegan by default—unless, of course, someone adds cheese. And that’s exactly what happened here. I didn’t think to double-check with the server before ordering, assuming it would come as described on the menu. So, while this wasn’t a case of a misrepresented vegan item, it was a reminder that assumptions don’t always hold up in restaurant kitchens.

When you go vegan—or even if you’ve been vegan for a long time—you might forget to confirm if something is dairy-free, but don’t beat yourself up. It can happen to anyone. So, what would you do if this happened to you? My response may surprise you. I didn’t send my meal back. Let me explain. 

Why I’m Vegan

Cows exploited for dairy—including for that tiny bit of parmesan—endure a lifetime of suffering. Workers take their babies, use their bodies until they wear out, then send them to slaughter. All for a product that isn’t meant for humans or good for our bodies.

Being vegan is also one of the best decisions I’ve made for my health. Many vegan foods can lower the risk of chronic illnesses like heart disease, diabetes, and certain cancers. Hypertension and high cholesterol run in my family, and I want to do everything I can to stay healthy. 

Why I Didn’t Send the Dish Back

Of course, I would never choose to eat cheese. But dumping the entire dish would’ve done nothing to help the cows who suffered for it. And that small bit of parmesan wasn’t going to make or break my health. Plus, I didn’t want to waste food by throwing away a perfectly good meal, so I discreetly scraped as much of the cheese as possible to the side of my plate and devoured the rest.

Had I ordered something specifically labeled vegan, I would have spoken up and kindly let the staff know about the mistake to ensure they were aware and could correct it in the future. But in this case, the cheese was more of a misunderstanding than a misrepresentation.

Being Vegan Is About Grace

Being vegan isn’t about perfection—it’s about intention. It’s about doing our best every day to reduce suffering and live compassionately.

Slip-ups and surprises happen, especially when we’re dining out. How we handle those moments matters just as much as what’s on our plates. Showing grace in these situations can help others understand that being vegan means sparing animals, not personal purity.

Dos and Don’ts of Vegan Restaurant Etiquette

Taking steps to avoid mistakes can help minimize the risk of cheese in your marinara and other preventable problems.

• Do ask your server if something is vegan before you order it.
• Don’t assume anything, especially when dining out.
• Do calmly inquire with staff when you suspect a dish you ordered vegan isn’t vegan. (Nowadays, vegan items can be indistinguishable, so you might be surprised.)
• Don’t waste food if the error was honest and the dish is otherwise safe.

Sometimes, the most powerful form of advocacy is quiet resilience. Next time you go out and something’s not quite right, take a deep breath. Remember your “why.” And do what feels right for you—with integrity, compassion, and kindness.

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