How to Roast a Pig

Published by Liam Cronin.

Shocked?

PETA has finally given in, and we want to show everyone how to roast a pig properly. Because if you’re not going to do it right, just don’t do it at all, AMIRITE?

What you’ll need:

1. A comfy chair:

Orange Chair It is a roast, but you want to make sure that the pig is comfortable. You’re not a monster.

2. An established comedian:

Ellen DeGeneres We’d go with Ellen DeGeneres (because we know she wouldn’t be too harsh), but this one’s totally up to you.

3. A lineup of roasters:

Russell Brand, Sarah Silverman, and Andy DickPick comedians who have experience roasting people, as they should do well also with roasting pigs. Russell Brand, Sarah Silverman, and Andy Dick are great choices here.

4. A 90-minute slot on national television:

Pig on TV

Because it’s really not worth the effort unless millions see you totally OWNING that pig.

What to tell your roast master:

1. Don’t rely on stereotypes:

Happy Pigs from Rescued CalendarWe’ve all heard those “dirty as a pig” stereotypes, but it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pigs are actually very clean animals who keep their sleeping and living areas spotless.

2. Roast smart:

pig_5F00_Yahya-Idiz.jpg Pigs are some of the smartest animals in the world, ranking above dogs and human children. So maybe leave the knock-knock jokes and puns at home.

3. Don’t be too mean:

pig_5F00_electricsoda.jpg Because you never know whether a pig will save your life. Pigs have rescued people from drowning, burning buildings, and heart attacks. You don’t want a pig to look the other way the next time that you’re in trouble.

4. Have fun:

Happy pig We’re all just having fun here. It’s not life and death, as on a factory farm, where pigs die every year by the millions.

And there you have it—the only way anyone should roast a pig.

But only if he or she has it coming.

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