March Madness: Fatal Four!

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3 min read

The votes are in, and the contest is getting even more intense, as the four remaining universities square off in this week’s Fatal Four! We’ve had some nailbiting upsets and some unseemly blowouts since this competition began a few weeks ago, but I can say without reservations that the four remaining contestants deserve to be here. So let’s bring this thing to its breathtaking conclusion: Leave a comment to vote for the two schools you want to see next week … in PETA’s March Mad Scientist Final Showdown.

Here are your matchups:

Duke vs. UW-Madison

Physorg/Creative Commons

Michael Platt, Duke

Michael Platt drills metal screws into monkeys’ skulls for a living, and he’s not afraid to implant the occasional wire coil under their eyelids when push comes to shove. It’s this “nothing’s impossible” attitude that has helped Michael get the Duke team in contention to win it all this year, despite an extremely strong field consisting of some of the cruelest vivisectors in the world. Commons

Ei Terasawa, UW-Madison

Regardless of which team wins in the end, UW-Madison’s Ei Terasawa will most certainly be in contention for “MVP of the Tournament” honors. Ei’s signature move, the “push-pull perfusion” technique, involves a two-chambered pipe, a few bottles of chemicals, a restraint chair, and a live monkey’s brain. It’s Ei’s unique ability to combine these objects in surprising ways that has brought her team all the way to the Fatal Four. Will it be enough to get them to the finals?

MSU vs. Stanford Commons

Arthur Weber, Michigan State

We highlighted Arthur Weber in the Sick Sixteen a couple of weeks ago, but he didn’t need any help to advance his team in the tournament. Arthur’s longtime practice of removing cats’ eyes while they’re still alive is more than enough to make Michigan State a strong contender to take home the big prize this year.

Indybay/Creative Commons

Alan Schatzberg, Stanford

But don’t discount Alan Schatzberg and his colleague David Lyons! These guys have put Stanford in a position to pull off a big upset this week, with their hard work in Stanford’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavior Sciences traumatizing the hell out of some monkeys. Schatzberg and Lyons’ signature move of implanting wires into primates’ brains may be just enough to get them into the big show.

Leave a comment to vote for the winner of each matchup, and we’ll see you next week in the finals!

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