Without letting even the tiniest opportunity to help nonhuman animals swim by, my inventive comrades have devised a delightful new stratagem to help free some of our sea-dwelling sisters and brothers.
The Pitch: To open the world’s fist-ever Lobster Empathy Center in the lobster-execution capital of the world (Creative, yes?) The Setting: A prison (Bloody genius!)
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In the state that boasts the world’s “best” (read “most evil”) entrées of lobsters boiled alive—or still struggling on a plate, only to be eaten alive—the lovely town of Skowhegan, Maine, has unassumingly put their jailhouse up for sale. Muwahahahahahahaha! So with foresight in our eyes and love for crawly crustaceans in our hearts, we placed our bid to lease the space with a theme so poetically apropos: “A prison is the perfect setting to demonstrate how lobsters suffer when they are caught in traps or confined to cramped, filthy supermarket tanks,” our offer letter explains.
The proposed attraction would include wrapping visitors’ hands in giant rubber bands for the duration of their stay, serving faux-lobster treats, and giving kiddies free stuffed toy lobsters labeled “Lobsters Are Friends, Not Food.”
Can’t wait to go, right? I know, me neither! Sadly, our dreams will have to be put on hold for a bit, as the prison was just sold to the highest bidder. But do keep us in mind if you hear of any sweet oceanfront prison property up for grabs!
Now if all this talk has given you a hankering for some vegan lobster tail, here’s a recipe to satisfy your urgings.
—MissyPosted by Missy Lane
