PETA’s World of Espionage and Intrigue

mchenrycountyblog / CC

Ever wondered just how PETA is so magnificently successful in acquiring insider knowledge of animal abuse worldwide? Well, if you haven’t figured it out based on this post’s cheesy title—or seen the fantastic in-depth documentary about this and other colorful strategies of those on the frontlines of the animal rights movement—I’ll spell it out: H.A.R.D.C.O.R.E. B.A.D.@.$.$. S.P.I.E.S.! (I’d give you a backronym, but this is already verbose.)

Seriously, though, not only do we employ James Bond-caliber infiltrators, what they uncover is more sinister—and of far greater value—than any Hollywood glam, pyrotechnic diamond heist too.

So just who are these fearless, selfless souls? Well, allow me to introduce two of PETA’s MVPs: spy couple Hannah and Philip Schein. (It’s cool. I can out them ’cause they are semi-retired and have already been sued.)

Get a load of this rap sheet:

• They have clandestinely captured video footage of chinchillas killed for their fur.
• Practicing Jews, the Scheins have participated in seven kosher-related investigations, most recently at a slaughterhouse in South America, where they captured footage of horrific “shackle and hoist” cow slaughter.
• They also helped direct an investigation at the world’s largest kosher slaughterhouse, where an investigator documented cruelty that was anything but kosher.
• Hannah went to dinner with Beyoncé and took a hidden camera with her to take the singer to task for glamorizing the use of fur for fashion.
• Philip has been on covert missions among monks running an egg factory farm in South Carolina and black-bear hunters in Canada. Bad@$$!

So if watching these videos makes you want to throw things, just imagine being the one that filmed and edited the footage. These courageous folks risk their necks by enduring abysmal circumstances to uncover abuses that are deliberately hidden by powerful industries. And their work saves countless animals’ lives. Think about it. How many of you are now veg because of a film with this kind of footage? I see quite a few hands raised. (Of course, there’s no shame for those of you lured into the fold by a hot half-nekkid girl preaching the good “pro-veg” news with nothing but a few lettuce leaves covering her naughty bits. By any means necessary, yo.)

“Hannah and I know how important and effective it is to make the abuse of animals behind the scenes public,” says Philip. “We are proud of our undercover work for PETA and glad that it is something we’ve been able to do as a couple.” Suffice it to say that these heroes and their team deserve our relentless support for educating the masses while stickin’ it to the man.

On behalf of animals everywhere, we the cruelty-free thank you!