Correcting Roger Clemens’ Erectile Dysfunction

To reference Idol judge Randy Jackson, seven-time Cy Young Award–winning pitcher Roger Clemens is a bit pitchy in the bedroom. According to his mistress, Mindy McCready, “The Rocket” (ironically) suffers from “a lot of problems” with erectile dysfunction. Now, PETA’s got a pitch that may help him, his sexual partners, and animals: Go vegan! We even sent him a copy of our vegetarian/vegan starter kit to help get him started.

Doctors and nutritionists agree that the best way to prevent artery blockage as well as other conditions that cause impotence is to eat a diet high in fiber, including plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Nobody likes to rubber-arm in the bedroom, and these foods will scrub the plaque off Clemens’ arterial walls to get him back on top of his game in no time.

Whether you call it veggie Viagra or a legal performance enhancer, going vegan won’t just get you through the night—it will get you through life.

Written by Logan Scherer