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Today’s tomatoes are sporting a brand-new label and begging to be pelted at pelt-wearers.
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Tomatoes
emblazoned with stickers encouraging shoppers
to "throw me at a fur-wearer"
have been cropping up in produce aisles.
The popular plump red vegetable that until
now, has been known mainly as a harmless
ingredient in spaghetti sauce is stirring
up the most controversy in its history since
the "Is it a vegetable or a fruit?"
flap.
Whether you call them tomatoes or to-mah-toes, these veggies are seeing red over cruelty to animals.
Fur-wearers, be warned—vigilante vegetables are ready to paint the town red. If you still wear fur—despite the fact that animals are bludgeoned, electrocuted, poisoned, gassed, shot and have their necks broken just so you can look old, fat, or really cheap—you’d better be prepared to meet your ‘mater. No mink stole or raccoon wrap is safe from a pulpy projectile that’s gone to seed. |
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Choose Your Tomato Torpedo!
We recommend the following varieties to give you the most squash for your cash:
Rambo Red
This veteran of the fur wars is guaranteed to generate the highest dry-cleaning bills.
Cherry Bomb
Explodes into a pulpy mess on impact.
The "Terminator"
"I’ll be back"—exactly the body part this juicy number likes to land on.
Beefsteak
A prime favorite in steakhouse cloakrooms
Salad
Best when tossed, of course
Apple
An extra-squishy cultivar packed with shower power.
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Ready, aim, splat!
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Seeing red over the torment of animals killed for their skins? Blow off some steam and test your aim by tossing tomatoes at slow-moving, dull-witted fur-wearers. It’s fun and easy!
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