Face it: You and your dog are from different worlds.
Your dog thinks digging in the flower bed is the proper way to store food. You think it’s gross. Your job is to explain that here in the land of humans, certain things don’t always go over well. But are you educating your dog like a kindergarten teacher or a drill sergeant? Take this quiz to find out.
 
You’ve just plopped on the couch with a bag of popcorn when Rover starts whining at the door. You:
A. swear that SOMEDAY you’ll see this episode of Sabrina the Teenage Witch all the way through as you hop up and let Rover out.
B. ignore Rover until the next commercial, then let him out.
C. tell Rover “No.” He needs to learn he can’t go out every five minutes.
A
HELLO! Rover is VERY nicely telling you that he needs to go outside. Ignoring Rover’s whine is like ignoring someone’s “please” and forces him to move on to something “rude” like scratching the door or having an “accident.” Telling him “no” is the meanest of all–imagine telling people that you have to go the bathroom and they say “no”! Tell it to your bladder!
 Maggie is a real “chow hound.” Every night at dinner she hangs around your chair and drools on your knee. What should you do?
A. Slip her some tidbits every few minutes–she’s so pathetic!
B. Never give her scraps; this only makes her want “people food” instead of dog chow.
C. Tell her to lie down and stay until dinner is over, then reward her with table scraps.
C
Go ahead and feed Maggie healthy table scraps, but just make sure you do it at the right time. Feed Maggie her dinner before you eat yours. If she still begs, ask her to lie down and stay, and give her a treat when you’ve finished eating. This is kinder than slipping her food, which actually teaches her to beg, unfairly setting her up for a scolding when you decide that paw-swipes at your arm are no longer cute.
 
Fido knocks the wind out of everybody he meets. How can you stop him from jumping?
A Step on Fido’s back feet so that it hurts when he jumps.
B Give visitors food treats for Fido and ask them to tell Fido to sit when he goes for the high five.
C Put your knee up as Fido jumps, so that he hits the knee instead of you.
B
Stepping on Fido’s back feet could hurt him. Same goes for kneeing. Fido jumps because he is happy to see people. Why hurt and confuse him when simply asking him to “say hello” in a different way, such as sitting, will get the message across humanely?
Princess is busy chewing on a tasty sofa cushion. You walk into the room and holler, “Princess!” She looks up, drops the cushion, and bounds over to you wagging her tail. You:
A Tell her she’s a bad dog and give her stern lecture on how mad Mom is going to be when she finds out.
B Turn around and ignore her.
C Bite your tongue and give her a pat and a hug.
C
Tattoo this on the back of your hand: Never, ever scold a dog who comes to you–no matter how “bad” she was just a nanosecond ago. If Princess had ignored you and kept chewing, then you would have said, “No! Chew on this,” as you took away the pillow and handed her a toy. But she didn’t—she stopped being “bad” and came to you instead. Coming to you should always be a thrilling experience; scold her and she learns–not that chewing is bad–but that coming to you isn’t always such a great idea.
Give your dog plenty of exercise. Tired dogs want to sleep, not chew up the furniture!
Benji is the Jar Jar Binks of dogs. How can you get him to quit that yapping?
A Give Benji a biscuit to distract him.
B Sneak up behind Benji, smack him on the butt, and yell, “No!”
C Ask your folks to get one of those electronic collars that zaps Benji whenever he makes a sound.
D None of the above.
D
Benji is barking because he’s trying to tell you something --”Look out, here comes that guy in the noisy truck!” or “Hey, I’m lonely out here in the yard.” Smacking or zapping him for that is just plain mean. But what if you don’t want to hear what Benji has to say about the trash truck at 7 a.m.? Ask Benji to do something else! Make 7 a.m. on trash day practice-lying-down time until Benji gets the idea that lying down is the thing to do when the garbage truck comes.
(Give Benji a cookie only after he does what you ask, not before, otherwise you will be training him to bark.)
Dogs bark because they are trying to tell you something that they think is important.
 
While you were at school, Fluffy emptied the trash can and created a beautiful “collage” of soda cans, melon rinds, and shredded plastic wrap on the living room floor. What should you do when you come home?
A Bring Fluffy over to her “masterpiece,” rub her nose in it, and tell her, “Bad dog!”
B Lock Fluffy in the garage every day until she learns her lesson.
C Act like Fluffy’s redecorating is no big deal and figure out where to put the trash can so that she can’t get into it in the future.
C
Naughty human! What Fluffy did was YOUR FAULT for not babysitting her! (Okay, so you can’t skip class and watch her all day, but that’s not HER fault!) A scolding only works BEFORE Fluffy misbehaves (“Na-aah-aah, don’t even think about touching that trash can!”) or while she is “in the act.” If you wait until even a minute later, Fluffy will think that she’s being yelled at for what she’s doing RIGHT NOW, such as being happy to see you! Your best bet is to stash the trash in a latched cabinet or closet or find a trash can with a tight-fitting lid. Make sure that Fluffy has lots of toys to keep her occupied and that she gets plenty of exercise: A tired dog wants to sleep, not redecorate!
 How’d You Score?
Give yourself a point for each correct answer.
0-2:Hey, Dr Evil, lighten up! How about we yell at you for getting sick on the carpet, smack you for talking to your friends, lock you in the basement for raiding the refrigerator, and then see how YOU like it!
3-4: You’re not fluent in “dog-ese” yet,but you’re getting there. Brush up on your skills by reading a book like Dog Talk by John Ross or Mother Knows Best by Carol Lee Benjamin.
5-6: Gandhi would be proud! Now go spend some quality time with that lucky pooch of yours!
Always praise a dog who comes to you!
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