Cress Matthews: I think we can all agree that the most important issue covered by the candidates today was the question of impotence caused by eating meat. Ever since Bob Dole became a spokesperson for Viagra, E.D. has been the "it" topic of conversation on the Hill. It was a smart move by the candidates to make "bedroom disappointment" a major part of their platforms.

Tim Russet: That's right, Cress. I think a lot of American males will be standing up and paying attention now that they know that "veggie Viagra" could be the solution to their problems.

Sean Hammity: I disagree. I think the most important topic that the candidates covered in their debate today was the pro-life/pro-choice issue. When people find out exactly what the life of an animal in a factory farm is like, they're naturally going to want to know what kind of choice is available to them as far as vegetarian options are concerned. All the candidates did a fantastic job highlighting the abundance of delicious alternatives to meat, and I think the public will respond very well to that.

Cress Matthews: But what about vegetables? Don't vegetables have feelings too?

Tim Russet: I think you're a case in point that they don't, Cress. But all animals have the same capacity to experience love and joy and to suffer fear and pain that humans do. It was a smart decision by these candidates to point that out.

Sean Hammity: Good point, Tim. With that in mind, do you guys think we can pick a clear winner from today's debate?

Cress Matthews: Well, the results might have been very different if Steven ColdBeer hadn't dropped out of this race early, but—at the risk of sounding like a vegan cheeseball—if this debate really does convince people to "give peas a chance," like Jim Pearer suggested, then everyone's a winner.

Sean Hammity: That may be the sweetest thing I've ever heard you say, Cress.