Vivisector of the Week!
Fall is here, and the sounds of songbirds chirping morning greetings can be heard outside your window, while the animal moms and dads of the world rustle through the freshly fallen leaves seeking out a hearty breakfast for their children. Meanwhile, back in the lab, Jeffrey Cynx is busy as a bee burning lesions into the brains of the songbirds he’s rounded up, while the folks at Taser International are furtively tasering as many animals as they can get their hands on to see if they have heart attacks.
That’s right—it’s time to pick out one of the slimiest “scientists” in the animal-experimentation game and crown this week’s Vivisector of the Week! Last week’s winner (by a slim margin of 5 to 4) was Thomas Langfitt, who takes his seat next to UConn’s David Waitzman as this week’s Vilest Vivisector. Tom may be dead, but his lifelong dedication to smashing animal’s heads will never be forgotten!
So suppress those gag reflexes and cast your vote, ‘cuz we’ve got two guys whose lousy scientific practices are rivaled only by the extreme cruelty of their methods, and this week’s gonna be close! Ladies and gentlemen, your contestants …
Jeffrey Cynx, Vassar.
The NIH recently launched an investigation into a laboratory at Vassar College, where Jeffrey Cynx has been cutting into birds’ backs, castrating male birds, burning lesions into their brains, and ripping out their tracheal nerves. After a whistleblower reported that these animals were also allegedly being denied veterinary care and dying—even prior to the experiments—PETA wrote to Vassar College to ask (very politely), WTF? We’re working on getting these experiments stopped, but in the meantime, if you like songbirds, you may want to cast your vote for today’s first contestant, Vassar’s very own Jeffrey Cynx!
Rick Smith, Taser International.
Taser International CEO Rick Smith is a young man who gives a whole new meaning to the phrase “Don’t tase me, bro!” Rick and his pals have been tasing animals for years now, and he has such a passion for the job that he’s even willing to take his work home with him! Taser VP Max Nerheim recently testified that he and Rick repeatedly shocked live pigs during the fall of 2002 in his home garage and at an unnamed “horse facility” in Phoenix. You can write to Rick about his work here, and if his pig-shocking ways make your blood boil, cast your vote for Rick Smith now!
As always, thanks for voting, and check back with us next Friday* to find out who will be next week’s Vivisector of the Week!
*The PETA Files cannot guarantee that they will remember to do this every week.