Sprain Your Ankle? It’s Deer Penis to the Rescue!
Olympic athletes in Beijing are being advised not to use traditional methods to heal injuries because they may contain some herbal substances that are banned. Darn. If you were an Olympic athlete, wouldn’t the first thing you’d go for be deer penis? Because deer penis is apparently magical and can heal injuries. But you must—according to Wang Cheng, an expert in traditional medicine—first mix it with some alcohol and take it every day or two. If only I had known back in third grade when I tripped on the balance beam and broke my arm, I would have said, “Mom, go get me some deer penis and alcohol.”
If you are not an Olympic athlete, you can still head on over to Beijing to take in the full glory of human athleticism. And while there, you can stop by Guolizhuang and get yourself some ox, donkey, and sheep penises (as well as deer penises, of course—I didn’t mean to leave those out).
And if you feel like dropping a cool $500, you can also get some Canadian seal penises. You mean we can bash their heads in, skin them for their fur, AND pay $500 to eat their penises?!?! Penis: It’s what’s for dinner.