PETA to Boston Mobster: Hit … the Soy!
Quick: Who wins the cheese, the mouse or the mob boss? Answer: No one wins. In this unusual game of cat and mouse, the cheese is clearly the villain. Just ask reputed Boston Mafia godfather Carmen “The Cheeseman” DiNunzio, who, according to the Boston Herald, has been locked in his home under house arrest since May for his part in an alleged bribe.
It’s clear that this “big cheese”—who earned his name after his local cheese shop and who weighs in at a whopping 400 lbs.—has done his time gorging on gouda and snacking on Swiss. Following a request from his doctor, the court will now allow DiNunzio to leave his home for two hours each day so that he can hit the gym and lose the pounds that are putting extra strain on his already bad heart and diabetes.
His doctor recently told the court, “I need him to have at least 30 minutes a day of sustained aerobic exercise. The best exercise he can do is sustained walking allowing for both arm and leg exercise.”
OK, I’m confused. Wouldn’t a reputed Wise Guy who is under house arrest for allegedly receiving money most likely be able to afford a mail-order Bowflex?
Well, regardless, we say: Hey, Big D! Drop that cheese! And listen up to our little business proposition. Yes, we sent “The Cheeseman” his very own delicious nondairy cheese pizza from Boston’s own T.J. Scallywaggle’s—recently voted one of the top 10 vegan-friendly pizzerias in the U.S.! We’d tell him to go there, but you know, he’s a shut-in.
We suggest that Mr. DiNunzio try stocking his cupboards full of nondairy treats that aren’t full of artery-clogging fat and cholesterol, like their dairy counterparts, if he really wants to whack those unhealthy pounds. He certainly has the time to cook up some tomato sauce for that spaghetti, a side of broccoli with garlic, and some pure vegetable minestrone. He will be getting those recipes and a copy of our “Vegetarian Starter Kit.” You know, for some leisurely reading?
Written by Jennifer Cierlitsky