This Just In …

Somebody liberated the stereo from my car last week, which meant spending half my Saturday trying to get through to someone at my insurance company. To help forestall any suicidal impulses created by the smooth jazz that State Farm has selected for its hold music, I spent some time coming up with “Onion” style headlines for fake articles I want to write. Let me know which one you like best and I’ll write an article to accompany it and post it tomorrow: KFC Execs Pleased With New Animal Welfare CommitteeOld one just too “ornery and contrarian” claims CEO. Ugly People in Fur Coats Still Ugly, New Report FindsDraping yourself in a dead animal does not make you prettier, according to a recent study by the Department of Urban Haberdashery (DUH). Area Jerk Belittles Vegetarian“I like animals, too … to eat!” local meathead Alan Brown told a vegetarian acquaintance Friday. Brown admits that he did not “think of the joke [himself].”That’s all I’ve been able to come up with so far: If you can think of some of your own, let me know, and I’ll post the best ones throughout the week.