Attack of the Killer Meat, Take 256

Whoever said having just one hamburger can’t kill you obviously never considered the danger of microscopic spores—you know, those barely visible foreign pollutants that are all over animal products, even when cooked.

The latest attack of the killer meat has already killed at least six people in Ontario and has been blamed for two more illnesses. The culprit? Listeria bacteria, which apparently originated in meat products from a plant in Toronto … which just happens to be Canada’s largest meatpacker.

With the total number of known cases at 29—for now—and investigators looking into another nine deaths possibly caused by contraction of listeriosis, it’s understandable that eating meat is scary business. But recalling more than 220 meat products will not protect meat-eaters from contracting illnesses related to animal products.

That’s where we come in. Intending to roll out our brand-new “Eat Meat and Die” ad in Toronto, we want Canadians to know that you can go veg and live! The choice is simple—really. It’s senseless to put your body at risk over a hamburger or a bite of chicken thigh when you can have a veggie burger or a vegetarian “chicken” sandwich (sold in most KFCs in Canada) and avoid spending the night in the bathroom with stomach cramps—or worse, death. Check out our killer ad:

Repeat after me: Listeria, E. coli, campylobacter … if you can’t pronounce it, it’s probably not good for you. If you have meat in your fridge, the safest way to avoid contamination is to throw the whole fridge away with the meat still in it. We deserve a Nobel Prize or something. Really.

Written by Jennifer Cierlitsky