If you always have a sleepless night after watching a horror movie, you might want to think twice before sitting down to a meal of dead bodies. Here's why meat is more dangerous than an ax-wielding maniac:

There's something deadly in the water.

If you're still eating fish despite the dangers of mercury, might I suggest that you may also enjoy a summer job at Camp Crystal Lake?

The hormones will get you every time

As every randy teenage slasher-flick victim can attest, hormones can be deadly. Hormones in meat can cause all sorts of unsexy conditions, such as "moobs." Which leads me to number three …

Which would you rather have a standoff with?

Eating meat causes impotence. Given their druthers, I think a lot of men would opt instead for the hockey mask–wearing serial killer.

The chubby guy always gets it.

That's another good reason not to ingest all the saturated fat that meat contains.

It's getting hard to breathe.

Find yourself short of breath when you hear that ominous theme music ("Ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma")? The toxic gasses and bacteria that wind spreads from factory farms make it even more difficult to inhale.

Stay out of the woods.

Do you ever shout, "Why are you running into the woods?!" when some moron is being chased by a psycho? People in real life do dumb things that lead to their untimely demise, too, like eating meat, eggs, and dairy products even though bad diets are to blame for one-third of all cancer deaths. 

Farms are generally good to avoid, too.

Have you seen PETA's slasher movie that features video footage from chicken farms? If you're too chicken … don't eat chicken.

A knife isn't the only thing that will stop a heart.

Heart disease caused by diets high in artery-clogging animal products will do the trick, too.

What kills a killer?

In Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan, Voorhees is finally done in by toxic waste in the sewers. If the kids had only gotten him into one of the waterways polluted with factory-farm runoff, he would've been a goner a lot sooner.

The killer always comes back to life.

Meat's got its own resilient killer: antibiotic-resistant bacteria caused by the overuse of antibiotics on factory farms.

Freddy vs. Jason

Between meat and dairy products, trying to choose which is more deadly is like trying to decide which serial killer you want to take a weekend getaway with.

Guess what's hiding behind the barn door.

Poo. And lots of it. Yeah, it gets in meat, too.

Death … and taxes

Maybe the worst thing about how deadly meat is, is that we actually have to pay for it—both at the check-out counter and in the form of government subsidies. I mean, at least when Jason is swinging a machete, he's not simultaneously asking for your wallet—am I right?

Slash your risk of getting killed off early by running from meat as if your life depended on it. (But don't go running through the woods. That's never a good idea.)

PETA's sporty officials are easy on the eyes but not on cruelty to animals. The refs convinced people to take a right turn at Albuquerque and dump meat and dairy products.

From the sidelines of a McCruelty restaurant, the gals called fouls on people caught being offensive to animals and gave them a vegetarian/vegan starter kit so that they could kick cruelty out of the game.

The Lorax is what? The Lorax is whose?

The Lorax is property of late Dr. Seuss!

Yes, he is the Lorax who speaks for the trees,

Which factory farms will chop down as they please.

Now someone has taken the Lorax away

From the doctor's dear widow, or so people say.

OK, it's a statue—though that hardly counts

Since our planet still suffers in massive amounts.

The Lorax may speak for the truffula trees,

But the Amazon basin plants—who speaks for these?

It's meat and it's dairy—it's honey and eggs,

While the Earth hardly stands on its last pair of legs.

Buckets of chicken are bad like those big SUVs;

No cutlet's as lovely as truffula trees.

No more should the wild plants all be cut down

When tofu's available all over town.

So PETA has offered a bird figurine

To stand in for the Lorax, who's so pure and so "green."

We hope Mrs. Geisel will take in our bust,

Before piglets and chickens all crumble to dust.

For he is the Lorax—he'll yell and he'll shout

'Til all Earth's animals will run out.

You want to be friends with the air, Earth, and water?

Then simply go vegan—with son and with daughter.

P.S. For another take on Dr. Seuss and vegan living, check this out.

You might expect to see gloomy angels descend to Earth during the end times, but yesterday in Oakland, California, two PETA angels were all smiles as they offered passersby a sweet treat ahead of California resident Harold Camping's predicted apocalypse. It was a flurry of halos, wings, and lingerie as our angels for animals handed out vegan cookies and nearly 500 vegetarian/vegan starter kits.

In addition to providing delicious vegan victuals to help make the eve of the rapture as pleasant as possible, the angels reminded passersby that eating animal products supports hell on Earth for animals. Pigs, cows, and chickens are raised in cramped, filthy conditions before being crammed onto trucks and dumped at slaughterhouses where they suffer slow, agonizing deaths as they are hung upside down by their legs and have their throats cut while still conscious. 

To make your last supper before the world ends a compassionate one, check out PETA's vegetarian/vegan starter kit. As one passing admirer said about our angels, "Vegan—is that what they are? I want to do that!" 

Written by Heather Faraid Drennan

Thank you, China! In a move that breaks with a tradition reportedly going back 600 years—when dogs barked, giving away the army's position—officials have canceled an annual Chinese festival in which 5,000 to 10,000 dogs are killed and eaten on the streets of Jinhua City. The cancellation follows protests by thousands of animal rights advocates. This is a wonderful move by the Chinese government, and we hope to see many more compassionate decisions like this in the years ahead.

Damhyojung | cc by 2.0

One protester described what he had seen at previous festivals: "I've seen the dogs being stabbed, strangled and even beaten into comas and thrown into boiling water. Some dogs woke up in the extremely hot water and they struggled, but the vendors kept pushing them, plucking their fur."

If this sounds horrifying, bear in mind that animals by the billions meet similar fates in American slaughterhouses every year. Improperly stunned cows, turkeys, pigs, and chickens have their throats cut while they are still conscious. The beating and intentional abuse of animals by farm workers is rampant. And pigs, chickens, and turkeys are often still alive when they are dunked into tanks of scalding-hot water to remove their hair and feathers.

Order your free vegetarian/vegan starter kit today and protect all animals from painful slaughter.

Written by Michelle Sherrow

With food and gasoline prices entering the stratosphere, PETA's Lettuce Ladies thought that they would give people some food for thought and a message they could get some mileage out of. The Lettuce Ladies stopped at a 76 gas station in Santa Barbara and gave 2 gallons of free gas to the first 50 customers there. They even pumped! They also gave out free Tofurky sandwiches and vegetarian/vegan starter kits.

People were lined up to get free gasoline and take pictures with the ladies. And the vegan treats and starter kits flew out of the Lettuce Ladies' hands as people were telling each other that they had to try the sandwiches and asking where they could buy Tofurky. We just like to call it our Lettuce Lady economic stimulus package.

Written by Michelle Sherrow

cyanocorax/cc by2.0

A fire that destroyed a single barn on a turkey farm in Richlands, North Carolina, killed 6,600 animals. The owners think that the electricity in the old building started the fire, which swept through the entire barn, burning to death every bird crammed inside it. The owners dug a mass grave for the bodies and intend to continue their turkey-farming business.

These birds died in a horrific way, but the future they faced wasn't much better. On turkey farms, thousands of birds are packed into dark, filthy sheds. Portions of their toes and beaks are cut off without any painkillers. They are genetically bred to grow as fast as possible, and many become crippled under their own weight. Turkeys are allowed to live just five or six months before they are shackled, have their throats cut, and are sometimes scalded alive in defeathering tanks—all to become a sandwich or centerpiece.

Don't let turkeys suffer and die for your next meal. Send for your free vegetarian/vegan starter kit today and enjoy the many benefits of a healthy and kind life.

Written by Michelle Sherrow