uncyclopedia / CC

A distressed female becomes pregnant—but she's still a virgin! Grave danger ensues!

But no. I'm not talking about events in that Little Town of Bethlehem, circa 1 A.D. This happened just last year in Virginia Beach, practically next door to PETA's Norfolk HQ.

In a study reported today, DNA testing confirmed that the embryo carried by Tidbit, a blacktip shark held captive at the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center, contained no genetic material from a male. That's right—a virgin conception, in our day and age. Holy mother of God … er … I mean … Holy Tidbit!

But wait, that's not all. Tidbit's pregnancy was only discovered when she died after being sedated for her annual health checkup—so there was no virgin birth, only an immaculate conception. The scientists who confirmed the nature of the pregnancy say that Tidbit's pup would almost certainly have been eaten by bigger sharks in the same tank.

Now, those of you who frequent our site know that we're not fans of aquariums and marine mammal prisons … uh, parks. But the above story pretty much says it all. These facilities claim to be helping and preserving marine animals, but they can't even protect a newborn—or the adults, for that matter. In the end, perhaps Tidbit was the fortunate one. At least she no longer has to deal with the daily boredom and stress of her unnatural environment.

Ya know, when we first moved our headquarters to Norfolk, we ran a campaign against this particular aquarium because of its severely inadequate dolphin tanks (among other things). And it always just really frustrated me to know that there were these marine animals locked in a tank right across from the ocean.

Now the Jesus shark comes to this very aquarium and is dead before arrival. The irony is not lost on me!

Written by Jeff Mackey

From the ever popular Milk Gone Wild 2

So, last month we sent off a letter to Ben & Jerry's to urge the ice cream giant to drop cow's milk from its menu and start churning out recipes that use the only milk intended for human consumption—breast milk. It's a pretty simple concept to grasp. I mean, you don't see doctors taking newborn babes from their mothers' arms and suckling them up to a cow in a "drinking room" next to the infants ward. C'mon! That's absurd. Really.

Our letter to the company has garnered so much attention—and by that I mean impossible-to-walk-down-the-street-without-someone-asking-questions sort of attention—that stories about breast milk have been popping up everywhere! Not that we like to brag—OK, we love it!—but I do think our buxom beaut of an idea got the ball rolling.

Whether it's Angelina Jolie breast-feeding for a W magazine cover, the illegal duplication of breastfeeding pictures of Jamie Lynn Spears (which has prompted a federal pornography investigation), or—my personal favorite—the guy-next-door who sells his wife's breast milk for money (these are hard times, folks), stories about breast milk are spreading through the newspapers like a wildfire!

Of course, one of our favorite writings about breast milk appears in PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk's newest book, One Can Make a Difference. Check it out: An entire chapter in the book focuses on how human breast milk is better for babies than cow's milk is: A pediatrician in India in the 80s found that if she urged people to switch from formula and animal's milk to human breast milk (she even started a human-breast-milk bank!), she could reduce incidences of diarrhea—which were leading to deaths! Deadly diarrhea—do you really think that does a body good? Neither do we.

Written by Jennifer Cierlitsky

eeoc / CC

Aw, McDonald's—it's having a pretty rough week! First, a McDonald's in Liverpool decided to "acknowledge the outstanding contribution the Beatles made to both local and global culture" by using photographs of the band to decorate its walls. Our beloved Sir Paul McCartney, like me (great minds and all …), thought McDonald's might really just have wanted to use the Beatles to sell hamburgers, and he wasn't buying it. Having been an outspoken vegetarian for 30 years, he's calling for a worldwide boycott of McDonald's.

Then, while Sir Paul was urging everyone to avoid McDonald's all-flesh patties, Venezuela simply removed the option altogether. That's right—according to news reports, the nation shut down all 115 McDonald's branches for a full 48 hours as punishment for "alleged tax irregularities." Must've been pretty irregular (no jokes about what eating the McD diet will do to you, please)!

But then on Wednesday—and I almost can't believe this—a TMZ reporter went into an L.A. McDonald's and ordered a Happy Meal (why, oh why?)—and when she got her order, the box advertised an electronic "Michael Vick football" game. Nothing says "great for kids" quite like that, right?

As for the McDonald's folks, it was a big "whoops" from them—the Happy Meal box was from 2004, and, McDonald's says, "does not reflect any current partnership with Michael Vick."

But, as PETA Vice President Bruce Friedrich says, "Given that McDonald's lets its suppliers cram animals into metal cages and crates and boil chickens alive, it's sad, but it doesn't shock us. At this point, even Michael Vick himself would probably prefer this particular Happy Meal to be a happy memory."

So, too bad, so sad for McDonald's and the issues it's facing this week—although, considering what it does to animals, I'm not convinced that it deserves a break today.

Written by Amanda Schinke

Though we can all agree that neglecting to feed an animal companion is pretty low, what about knowingly starving or denying an animal water until he or she dies? Well, that's what glue traps do, which is why selling them makes Lowe's the lowest of the low.

We've sent out one of our custom campaign vans to visit Lowe's stores in North Carolina, to remind shoppers of what, exactly, the glue traps that Lowe's sells inevitably do—cause immense suffering and ensure a slow death to whatever animal is unlucky enough to touch one.

Check out the photos from our demo (and just imagine what you'd think if you passed this van with our mouse friend here in the driver's seat … yeah, we're good at grabbing attention):

Unlike other major retailers, such as Walgreens, CVS, Rite Aid, Albertsons, and Safeway, Lowe's has refused to drop these deadly devices from its inventory. Join Ms. Giant Rat in encouraging Lowe's to change its cruel policy.

Written by Sean Conner

So as you know, Giorgio Armani has been on PETA's bad list lately. Promising to go fur-free and then reneging on the idea altogether in order to make rabbit-fur outfits for babies really just isn't something we appreciate (I think the animals would agree …).

Hearing this loud and clear, A-list actress and compassionate PETA friend Gillian Anderson really came through to lend her support to this issue. Her voice can now be heard narrating a shocking, moving investigation video that takes you into the depths of rabbit fur farming.

The video was unveiled earlier today at a news conference outside Armani's Michigan Avenue store in Chicago. I strongly encourage you to watch this video and pledge to be fur-free. Gillian, PETA, and all the rabbits of the world will thank you for it.

Written by Christine Doré