To reference Idol judge Randy Jackson, seven-time Cy Young Award–winning pitcher Roger Clemens is a bit pitchy in the bedroom. According to his mistress, Mindy McCready, "The Rocket" (ironically) suffers from "a lot of problems" with erectile dysfunction. Now, PETA's got a pitch that may help him, his sexual partners, and animals: Go vegan! We even sent him a copy of our vegetarian/vegan starter kit to help get him started.

Doctors and nutritionists agree that the best way to prevent artery blockage as well as other conditions that cause impotence is to eat a diet high in fiber, including plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Nobody likes to rubber-arm in the bedroom, and these foods will scrub the plaque off Clemens' arterial walls to get him back on top of his game in no time.

Whether you call it veggie Viagra or a legal performance enhancer, going vegan won't just get you through the night—it will get you through life.

Written by Logan Scherer

Seriously, our letter pretty much wrote itself after that.

If you’ve been following the Clemens hearings, you may have caught a surreal moment yesterday when a Congressman asked Roger whether he was vegan or not. Honestly, I’d be happy if this were a mandatory question at all congressional hearings, but I have to admit that it was a little odd in context. Nonetheless, Roger’s response (essentially “Dude, WTF is a vegan?”) more or less mandated another letter from our corner, and this time we’re sending him a gift basket full of steroid-free vegan goodies to sweeten the deal. It’s an established fact that a letter from PETA goes down a lot easier with a couple of vegan cookies and some faux-beef jerky. Check it out.

P.S. Thanks to PETA Files reader Tamara for sending in a transcript of this exchange!

Earlier this morning, PETA sent a letter to Yankees pitcher Roger Clemens (the latest player to face scrutiny in the steroids scandal), urging him to prove that he is committed to being drug-free—by going vegetarian. I’ll leave it for the sports pundits to discuss whether or not Clemens ever deliberately took steroids to help with his pitching, but there's no question that the guy has been ingesting growth-promoting drugs for as long as he’s been a meat-eater. In order to make them grow fatter faster and to ward off the disease in the filthy conditions on today's factory farms, cows, pigs, and chickens are pumped full of growth-promoting hormones, and anyone who eats their flesh will be getting an unhealthy dose of the drugs themselves—no injections from trainers required.

As an aside, I should point out that this is by far the nicest letter that my friend and colleague Dan Shannon—who is an avid Red Sox fan—has ever written to a Yankee. You can check it out here.