Written by PETA
We’re almost there, folks. If it’s any consolation, this is just as unpleasant for me as it is for you, but we’ve started this thing, so we need to finish it. Last night, Kansas won a stunner in overtime to take the NCAA basketball title, but our parallel tournament to find the college with the most horrific animal experimentation program has just one last round before we can recognize the winner and go home in disgust. They’ve been through a lot to get here, overcoming an unbelievably tough field of cat killers, monkey maimers, and bunny butchers to reach the finals of this notorious event, so hold your noses and steel yourself for one last dance with the March Mad Scientists … ladies and gentlemen, you voted to see them here; now let’s crown our champion:
Arthur Weber, Michigan State
Arthur Weber and the MSU team have been trouncing the competition so far, and last week’s blowout of Alan Schatzberg and the underperforming Stanford brain butchers (with a score of 12 votes to 0!) has effectively silenced the doubters. Weber’s spent 25 years torturing cats by removing their eyes while they’re still alive, and given MSU’s manhandling of the Stanford team last week, anyone going up against Weber and the Michigan state vivisectors should know that, like the cats who go under Weber’s knife, they're in for a world of pain. Leave a comment below to vote for Arthur Weber and MSU to win it all.
Michael Platt, Duke
Like MSU, Michael Platt’s Duke team held their opponents scoreless in last week’s semifinal, and their 4-0 victory was more than enough to earn them a place here on the big stage. Platt brings a one-two punch to the fray that’s going to be tough to defend against—his two-pronged approach to vivisecting involves drilling metal screws into monkeys’ skulls and implanting wire coils under their eyelids. Will Platt’s technical expertise with the brain screws be enough to get him past this final hurdle? Only you can decide. Leave a comment below to vote for Michael Platt and the Duke Devils to bring home the title.
Happy voting, and be sure to tune in next week when we crown the winner and take a nostalgic walk back through some of the tournament’s highlights and disappointments.
The votes are in, and the contest is getting even more intense, as the four remaining universities square off in this week’s Fatal Four! We’ve had some nailbiting upsets and some unseemly blowouts since this competition began a few weeks ago, but I can say without reservations that the four remaining contestants deserve to be here. So let’s bring this thing to its breathtaking conclusion: Leave a comment to vote for the two schools you want to see next week … in PETA’s March Mad Scientist Final Showdown.
Here are your matchups:
Michael Platt drills metal screws into monkeys’ skulls for a living, and he’s not afraid to implant the occasional wire coil under their eyelids when push comes to shove. It’s this “nothing’s impossible” attitude that has helped Michael get the Duke team in contention to win it all this year, despite an extremely strong field consisting of some of the cruelest vivisectors in the world.
Ei Terasawa, UW-Madison
Regardless of which team wins in the end, UW-Madison’s Ei Terasawa will most certainly be in contention for “MVP of the Tournament” honors. Ei’s signature move, the “push-pull perfusion” technique, involves a two-chambered pipe, a few bottles of chemicals, a restraint chair, and a live monkey’s brain. It’s Ei’s unique ability to combine these objects in surprising ways that has brought her team all the way to the Fatal Four. Will it be enough to get them to the finals?
We highlighted Arthur Weber in the Sick Sixteen a couple of weeks ago, but he didn’t need any help to advance his team in the tournament. Arthur’s longtime practice of removing cats’ eyes while they’re still alive is more than enough to make Michigan State a strong contender to take home the big prize this year.
Alan Schatzberg, Stanford
But don’t discount Alan Schatzberg and his colleague David Lyons! These guys have put Stanford in a position to pull off a big upset this week, with their hard work in Stanford’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavior Sciences traumatizing the hell out of some monkeys. Schatzberg and Lyons’ signature move of implanting wires into primates’ brains may be just enough to get them into the big show.
Leave a comment to vote for the winner of each matchup, and we’ll see you next week in the finals!
Oprah Winfrey is going to be tackling puppy mills on her show today, so be sure to check it out (or Tivo it) if you get a chance. Puppy mills, which keep large quantities of purebred dogs in overcrowded, often shockingly inhumane conditions, are a well-kept secret of the pet-trade industry, and the animal protection community is extremely grateful to Oprah for exposing this major cause of pet overpopulation to a wide audience.
It’s standard practice for puppy mills—which supply animals to pet stores and purebred enthusiasts, without any concern for the millions who will die in shelters as a result—to keep animals in constant confinement, without proper veterinary care or socialization. It’s common to hear stories of puppy mills that are shut down on cruelty to animals charges (I posted about one a couple of weeks ago), but it’s nowhere near common enough—and these sordid operations will continue to thrive for as long as people support them by purchasing animals from pet stores or seeking out purebred animals from breeders.
You can find out what time the show will be airing where you live on Oprah’s site, and there’s more information about puppy mills, and you can learn more about PETA’s campaign to help companion animals here.
Just when you thought things couldn’t get any crazier, the quest to find the cruelest Division 1 College in the country has revved up a notch! All 16 of last week’s contenders proved tough teams to beat, but only 8 could advance, and despite some powerful showings from Pittsburgh, KSU, Washington State, OSU, Purdue, Hopkins, Vanderbilt, and the University of Washington, only the nastiest can prevail … so without further ado let’s get down to narrowing the field even further as we prepare to put these vivisectors on the national stage in the Fatal Four next week!
Just like last week, I’ll be highlighting what I consider to be the key matchup in this exciting tournament, and you can consult the cheat sheet to help determine who else to vote into the next round. Use the voting form or leave a comment to cast a vote for this week’s Vilest Vivisectors in the Evil Eight!
Like ‘em or hate ‘em, Duke University always puts forward a strong team, and for the past decade, that’s been largely due to the work of their MVP, Michael Platt, who drills metal screws into monkeys’ skulls, pushes electrodes into their brains, and implants wire coils under their eyelids. A similar winning technique has been made popular by UConn’s David Waitzman—another strong contender in this tournament, so if we’re lucky, we may see a classic Big East/ACC showdown in the finals this year. The published results of Mr. Platt’s cruel experiments include such timeless pieces of knowledge as the fact that one rhesus macaque monkey will often look in the same direction as another rhesus macaque monkey, so there’s no question that Michael’s earning his keep! To vote for Michael Platt, use the form or leave a comment below.
Michelle Hook, Texas A&M
Texas A&M might traditionally be the underdog in this matchup, but don’t make the mistake of underestimating Michelle Hook of Texas A&M University’s Department of Psychology. Her medium of choice is rats, and from the sounds of it, there’s not much she hasn’t done when it comes to slicing and dicing these animals. Michelle’s preferred technique involves cutting up the animals’ spinal cords, injecting them with chili pepper solution, pushing them into restraint tubes, and electroshocking their hind legs. Hook’s world-beating conclusion speaks for itself: “These data suggest that peripheral inflammation, accompanying spinal cord injuries, might have an adverse effect on recovery.” You heard it here first, folks: Giving electric shocks to torture victims might slow down their recovery time! To vote for Michelle Hook, use the form or leave a comment below.
you have a general question for PETA and would like a response, please e-mail Info@peta.org. If you need to report cruelty to
an animal, please click
here. If you are reporting an animal in imminent danger and know where to find the
animal and if the abuse is taking place right now, please call your local
police department. If the police are unresponsive, please call PETA
immediately at 757-622-7382 and press 2.
Follow PETA on Twitter!
Almost all of us grew up eating meat, wearing leather, and going to circuses and zoos. We never considered the impact of these actions on the animals involved. For whatever reason, you are now asking the question: Why should animals have rights? Read more.