Remember when George Costanza couldn't open a condom wrapper? Well, if you're a resident of NYC, there's a chance that you might soon find yourself in a similar pickle—all because you won't want to mar this brilliant design, which we're entering in the New York City Department of Health's contest for the best condom-package design:

It's pretty clear that a cruelty-free diet can slash your chances of suffering from impotence, and many vegan foods are loaded with natural aphrodisiacs. How many other condoms protect you, your partner, and 100 animals per year?

Written by Logan Scherer

zimbio / CC

When my beloved Boston Red Sox famously traded Nomar Garciaparra to the Chicago Cubs back in '04, I knew that it was for the best. But when Manny Ramirez was traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers just one short year ago, I had the opposite reaction. I knew Manny was trouble. I knew he was dragging the team down. But deep down, I was sorry to see him go.

Now that Manny has been hit with a 50-game suspension for failing a drug test—allegedly because of an impotence treatment to counteract the, um, negative side effects of steroid use—Boston fans can rest a bit more easily knowing that the Red Sox made the right move shipping him off to L.A. last summer (Jason Bay slugging .667 through 32 games doesn't hurt, either). But we here at PETA are left wondering: Why would Manny turn to pharmaceutical "performance enhancers" when the best way to combat impotence is a healthy vegetarian diet?

Most people these days understand that the saturated fat and cholesterol in meat, dairy, and eggs clogs the arteries to your heart, leading to an increased risk of heart disease. But eating meat actually impedes the blood flow to all your organs—including the one that comes with a Y chromosome. And the best way to be sure that organ will continue to come through for you is to go vegetarian.

With that in mind, PETA is urging Manny to consider switching to a vegetarian diet so that he can continue to come through in the clutch without failing any more drug tests. You can read our letter here, and you can learn more about the performance-enhancing benefits of a vegetarian diet here.

Written by Dan Shannon

Play Girl Mag / CC

Some cities pass out free meals; others provide free vaccination services during the cold months or weather-emergency kits during hurricane season. Mexico City passes out free Viagra.

Wait … what?!

Seriously. Mexico City Mayor Marcelo Ebrard has planned a citywide distribution of Viagra to elderly men, aged 70 and above, who suffer from the mojo-busting health problem known as male impotence. City officials hope the free service will boost the sexual health of elderly folks, consequently making them happier and healthier.

Health is important, no doubt. But, the mayor's plan has one elephant-sized flaw that needed to be addressed. So, we sent this letterand a copy of our "Vegetarian Starter Kit" (which is filled with cruelty-free and organ-healthy recipes directly to him, letting him know that the simplest way to combat impotence let-downs isn't by popping pills—it's by going vegetarian! To the mayor we say, put down the pills and promote a diet rich in colorful veggies to your city instead.

A diet consisting of animal flesh, milk, and dairy products can clog arteries and increase cholesterol levels. That's some seriously scary stuff. Even scarier, clogged arteries and high cholesterol are among the most commonly diagnosed causes of male impotence as well as obesity, certain types of cancer (including prostate cancer), and diabetes. Luckily, a vegan diet can help reduce or prevent these ailments! So, why pop a pill for a night of happiness when simply switching to a vegetarian diet can trigger a lifetime of health and happiness?

Written by Jennifer Cierlitsky

A new CNN article warning hunters against overexertion has renewed our most genuine concern over the sadly impaired genitalia of hunters. It seems the lack of sportsmanship involved in hunting (i.e., lounging around like couch potatoes with sophisticated weaponry for the short-lived murderous thrill of killing a defenseless creature) can be very exerting. Apparently, there's a huge adrenaline spike when Bambi is caught in the crosshairs. This has doctors worried that such bloodlust—coupled with clogged arteries—could "trigger a heart attack or even potentially worse a lethal heart rhythm disturbance." The poor dears! (Read: fortunate "deer"?)

But let's get this straight: Clogged arteries restrict blood flow to organs, and this can lead to organ malfunction. Oh my—so I guess that means that blood flow would be hindered to all organs—which means that any major/male organ could begin to malfunction. Yep, I think you smell what I'm steppin' in … the bizarre and common connection between animal abuse and impotence. You heard it here first folks. So please, protect yourselves, protect your children: Quit huntin' and go vegan!

Written by Missy Lane

OK, I'll go easy on the impotence jokes here. I promise—just straight-up hard reporting on this one. Damn…

Anyway, I'm happy to announce that Rocket Boy, an old-school ad featuring an impotence-fighting boy astronaut, is back and ready to go where no PETA ad has gone before: outer space. You see, Virgin chair Sir Richard Branson just unveiled the WhiteKnightTwo, a carrier aircraft created to launch a commercial six-passenger spaceship within the next decade. PETA wants Rocket Boy to be onboard, so our VP Bruce Friedrich sent Branson a letter asking to buy ad space on the seat backs.

In his letter, Bruce writes:

No word back from Mr. Branson yet, but here's Rocket Boy, all suited up and ready to launch:

Sorry to burst happy bubbles everywhere, but here's the downer: Viagra is not always effective. Up to 40 percent of men who take Viagra report no result at all. We firmly believe that no one should have to live an unsatisfying life. If you're looking for a good time in the bedroom, you can improve your satisfaction tenfold by making a few simple changes in the kitchen.

Obesity, diabetes, high cholesterol, prostate cancer, and hormonal imbalances are just some of the health problems that cause male impotency. Ditching artery-clogging meat and dairy products—and eating a diet rich in leafy greens, fruits, and grains—will lift your mood, get you back into action, and get your blood pumping to all the right locations.

So whether you're a wannabe manly man or a wannabe Mata Hari, pick up a banana and put down the prescription pills. Vegetarians do make better lovers. And you know what else we make? Some pretty darn cool ads! Here are PETA's top 10 impotence ads:

10. A Vegetarian Lover Gives You Something to Wake Up For—Last night was great, but there's nothing like rekindling the fire with some morning wood.

9. Rude Food—Nothing compares to hooking up with a really, really hot dish …

8. Santa's Not Coming This Christmas—Ho, ho—oh no! "Jolly St. Nick" can't get his jollies 'cuz milk's made his mojo a no-go.

7. Kevin Eubanks Vegetarian Testimonial—The juicy confessional of a former "World's Sexiest Vegetarian"

6. I Threw a Party but the Meat-Eaters Couldn't Come—Leaving a beautiful girl in a red-white-and-blue bikini standing there holding a limp sausage? Well, that's just un-American!

5. Tofu Wrestling—Everyone knows that ladies love extra-firm soy and extra-firm boys. Here's proof that tofu is so freakin' cool that bikini-clad beauties will wrestle over it in a kiddy pool.

4. Three Stages of a Wiener—Three more reasons to skip the wieners for a watermelon salad

3. PETA's Make-Out Tour—Who can turn away from a sexy couple engaged in some passionate PDA on the pavement? Plus, it's got a much better soundtrack than that annoying "Viva Viagra" song.

2. Eating Meat Got You Down?—It takes a "stiff" competitor to bed a babe. There's nothing sadder than when a guy realizes he just can't keep up with the "Johnsons" anymore.

1. Sexy Sausage Ad (Director's Cut)—In a business where talent is measured in inches, what's a porn director to do when his meat-head star goes soft? Luckily, a hot vegan guy shows up to turn this Super Bowl party into a sausage fest.

Posted by Jennifer Cierlitsky

We could have called this "Reason #782 to Go Vegetarian," but you probably wouldn't have clicked on that. And no, we're not just flashing the sex card to try to get your attention (OK, we were), but this is dead serious—as dead, apparently, as the sperm of obese men.

Here's the scoop: Earlier this week, an article about researchers at the University of Aberdeen in the U.K. reported that "obese men have worse sperm than normal-weight men." The researchers analyzed sperm samples from more than 5,000 men and found that, in the words of the news article, "[f]at men had a 60 percent higher chance of having a low volume of semen" and "a 40 percent higher chance of having some sperm abnormalities."

Monty Python told us that every sperm is sacred, but apparently, some sperm is abnormally sacred. Who knew?

So what does this have to do with dietary choices? Well, loyal readers of The PETA Files will recall that vegetarians are slimmer than nonvegetarians, weighing on average 20 to 30 percent less than their meat-eating counterparts. In other words, meat-eaters tend to be heavier than vegetarians, are more likely to be obese, and are more likely to have inferior sperm. Add to this the fact that the saturated fat and cholesterol that clog the arteries of meat-eaters clog arteries leading to all the organs (including what Steve Martin called that "special purpose" one), and it's no wonder that this lovely lady hates men's guts:

And that this lovely woman seems, well, like she's particularly fond of her vegetables!

My people do me proud! A recent article in the National Catholic Worker praises the social and environmental benefits of being vegetarian. Granted, I'm not a Catholic per se, but as a Christian, the Catholic Workers are my favorite siblings. They work for—not just talk about—human rights, in the States and abroad, by putting their feet (and, in this case, their forks) where their faith is. They're also not afraid to take on issues that catch them some heat.

The article goes on to say that the "only diet for a peacemaker is a vegetarian diet," which is what we've been saying for years! I love that the Catholic Workers are owning up to this fact, too, and am hoping that Christians all over will be inspired by this. At PETA, we've got our own Blessed Are the Merciful video, which you can view here.

Of course, almost every religion has its own message of peace that, if you look closely, includes animals. But this article really struck a chord! I always found it a bit insincere that people were comfortable following a faith that preaches love and understanding yet don't blink when it comes to eating those who need exactly that.

I'd love to hear about how you all relate religion and vegetarianism, too, so comment and let me know.

bp3 / CC

Beyond her heavy-caliber lack of compassion for not realizing that mice can be controlled humanely (like, without the use of firearms in a small enclosed space), this woman gets extra points for managing to shoot two people by accident. Her domestic hunting expedition was cut short when she dropped the Magnum, causing it to fire. The bullet struck her in the kneecap (pwnd!) and went on to graze a nearby man's groin (dbl pwnd!) before ending up in his pocket. Hard to know what to say, really!

I love Fox news, my preferred news source for all things weird, for closing the story by reassuring everyone that "[t]he mice escaped the shooting unharmed."

If you run into this woman on the street, let her know we’ll be happy to send her a humane mousetrap to help her make a better decision next time, just in case her self-inflicted knee-capping wasn’t enough.

This one’s a total winner, from the folks at PETA Asia Pacific, who want you to know that eating meat can lead to impotence. Check out the brand-new ad below, and click here to see it in context, doing its job in the men’s room of a Bangkok bar.