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Avid fans of The PETA Files will have already watched the message recorded by PETA's "President Bush" in which he showcases his support for turkeys, right? Right. So, you know that our real president has less than two months left as "The Deciderer." That's not a lot of time, but it's enough to make a difference for at least two lives.

In this letter dispatched to the real President Bush, PETA President Ingrid E. Newkirk asks him to send this year's "pardoned" turkeys to a proper Washington, D.C.–area sanctuary rather than to a theme park or working farm, where pardoned turkeys are traditionally sent and where they usually die from their painful genetic defects within the first year—or even within days of arrival.

You've probably guessed that pardoned turkeys aren't as "blessed" as this tradition hints at. Like all factory-farmed turkeys, the birds are pumped full of drugs and bred to grow so large so fast that their little legs aren't able to support their massive, unnatural size. As a result, the birds suffer crippling injuries and painful deformities—serious and sometimes fatal conditions that theme parks and working farms don't handle appropriately. Footage released earlier this month from an undercover investigation at a turkey factory farm in West Virginia shows the tremendous stress put on these birds' bodies and the pure hell these animals are put through.

So, President Bush, please give these birds a fighting chance rather than a sad show for the nation, and in return, we'll send you and your family a delicious cruelty-free Thanksgiving meal including Tofurky, meat-free stuffing, and all-American vegan apple pie with vanilla soy ice cream. Oh, and as a bonus, we'll try to forget some of your pronunciation slips and speech mishaps through the years. After all, Thanksgiving is about forgiveness and giving thanks.

Posted by Jennifer Cierlitsky

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Sometimes the headlines I see are just too surreal. This AP story reports that President Bush, who has been notoriously stingy with pardons, yesterday granted pardons to a batch of 14 criminals—among them a man who entered a guilty plea for unlawfully killing three bald eagles in the state of Missouri.

Turns out the convicted criminal, Leslie Owen Collier, laced hamburger meat with pesticide in an attempt to kill coyotes. But, seeing as coyotes aren't the only animals who eat (I think I read that in a book somewhere …), he ended up killing several other animals, including bald eagles. He was sentenced under the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act. Even though the deaths of the bald eagles might be considered accidental, it's still pretty clear that Collier's intention was to poison animals. That's not so much OK in our book.

If we are so forgiving toward those who would wantonly kill wildlife, couldn't we pardon a few more turkeys this year? Or hey, if that's too radical—let's just pardon the turkeys who haven't violated the Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, OK?

Written by Sean Conner

This year, in response to the gobbledygook that is offered on Butterball's Thanksgiving hotline (tips for stuffing a murdered bird? No, thank you!), you'll never guess who is greeting 1-888-VEG-FOOD callers and asking folks to pardon all turkeys from the horrible fate of being Thanksgiving dinner. A clue? He's "decided" to give the birds a break.

Each year, the president "pardons" two turkeys, who used to be sent to, ahem, Frying Pan Park in Fairfax County, Virginia. Well, instead of letting two overblown, overgrown birds get a few months to hobble around on painful legs, here's an idea: Go meat-free! Of all the tough decisions boggling the Executive-brain, this one should be the easiest to make. The weapons of mass defeathering are well-documented, and are known as shackles, scalding tanks, and blade machines. Check out the words of wisdom:

 

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So, a word to those who would celebrate Thanksgiving with a dead centerpiece: Why not try one of these life-affirming, tasty recipes instead? Or how about a faux turkey? Or a vegan Wellington of mass deliciousness? Yep, healthy, vegetarian Thanksgiving fare abounds, and the turkeys needn't be the only ones doing the gobbling.

Written by Charlotte Gordon