Dear Guys,

Wearing Axe's new leather-inspired "Instinct" fragrance will not get you mobbed by a horde of horny honeys swooning over the smell of cow hides.

There's nothing sexy about smelling like or sporting rotten animal skins. (And yes, we have sexpert Pamela Anderson backing us up here.)

To prove that point, PETA is creating a much more realistic, slaughterhouse-inspired leather scent:

Ah, the essence of blood, guts, urine, feces, and fear—all bottled up.

Believe us, if you show up for a date wearing "Instinct," leather, or even our own "Eau D' Abattoir," our first instinct will be to slam the door in your face.

Our advice? Pleather yourself, pronto.

Love,

The girls from PETA

So, Burger King has announced that it's releasing a cologne called "Flame." And no, it's not just for gay guys. They describe it as—get this—"the scent of seduction with a hint of flame-broiled meat." Yeah, because there's nothing sexier than grilled flesh … but wait, Jeffrey Dahmer isn't with us anymore, so who is this for?

Well, PETA likes this idea but thinks it doesn't go far enough. Why start at the grill? That's why we are launching our own fragrance called "GORE," with the tagline "Eau de Mort!' Take just one whiff, and you'll be reminded of who they're cooking over there in fast-foodville (or wearing, in this case). What exactly does it smell like? Meat, naturally! And, for authenticity, our scent even includes a maggot in each bottle, just to make the experience realistic.

So, how do you feel about GORE? It'd make a lovely holiday gift for any suspected necrophiliac.

Written by Lianne Turner