March Madness: Fatal Four!

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Michael Platt, Duke

Michael Platt drills metal screws into monkeys’ skulls for a living, and he’s not afraid to implant the occasional wire coil under their eyelids when push comes to shove. It’s this “nothing’s impossible” attitude that has helped Michael get the Duke team in contention to win it all this year, despite an extremely strong field consisting of some of the cruelest vivisectors in the world.

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Ei Terasawa, UW-Madison

Regardless of which team wins in the end, UW-Madison’s Ei Terasawa will most certainly be in contention for “MVP of the Tournament” honors. Ei’s signature move, the “push-pull perfusion” technique, involves a two-chambered pipe, a few bottles of chemicals, a restraint chair, and a live monkey’s brain. It’s Ei’s unique ability to combine these objects in surprising ways that has brought her team all the way to the Fatal Four. Will it be enough to get them to the finals?

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Arthur Weber, Michigan State

We highlighted Arthur Weber in the Sick Sixteen a couple of weeks ago, but he didn’t need any help to advance his team in the tournament. Arthur’s longtime practice of removing cats’ eyes while they’re still alive is more than enough to make Michigan State a strong contender to take home the big prize this year.

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Alan Schatzberg, Stanford

But don’t discount Alan Schatzberg and his colleague David Lyons! These guys have put Stanford in a position to pull off a big upset this week, with their hard work in Stanford’s Department of Psychiatry and Behavior Sciences traumatizing the hell out of some monkeys. Schatzberg and Lyons’ signature move of implanting wires into primates’ brains may be just enough to get them into the big show.