Fir0002/Flagstaffotos / GFDL

No, not that kind of stalker—they're just creepy. Think celery stalks. The authors of a new book, Stay Young, have dubbed celery "vegetable Viagra," after research has shown that it boosts men's pheromone levels, making them more attractive to women, increasing libidos, and strengthening climaxes. Of course, that's hardly news to us. PETA has been touting the aphrodisiac qualities of vegan food for ages—we even beat them to the "Veggie Viagra" line.

So remember, guys, if you want to score big in the bedroom, lettuce help you make the switch to a vegan diet. Whether you're into firm melons or long stems, you won't leek prematurely or artichoke when the big moment comes. You'll be pumpkin with confidence, but ladies, ignore his corny lines, and just ask, "Is that a celery stalk in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"*

Written by Jeff Mackey

*I wasn't sure it would happen, but I'm all punned out. Can you think of any good ones that I missed?

Remember when George Costanza couldn't open a condom wrapper? Well, if you're a resident of NYC, there's a chance that you might soon find yourself in a similar pickle—all because you won't want to mar this brilliant design, which we're entering in the New York City Department of Health's contest for the best condom-package design:

It's pretty clear that a cruelty-free diet can slash your chances of suffering from impotence, and many vegan foods are loaded with natural aphrodisiacs. How many other condoms protect you, your partner, and 100 animals per year?

Written by Logan Scherer