Fir0002/Flagstaffotos / GFDL

No, not that kind of stalker—they're just creepy. Think celery stalks. The authors of a new book, Stay Young, have dubbed celery "vegetable Viagra," after research has shown that it boosts men's pheromone levels, making them more attractive to women, increasing libidos, and strengthening climaxes. Of course, that's hardly news to us. PETA has been touting the aphrodisiac qualities of vegan food for ages—we even beat them to the "Veggie Viagra" line.

So remember, guys, if you want to score big in the bedroom, lettuce help you make the switch to a vegan diet. Whether you're into firm melons or long stems, you won't leek prematurely or artichoke when the big moment comes. You'll be pumpkin with confidence, but ladies, ignore his corny lines, and just ask, "Is that a celery stalk in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"*

Written by Jeff Mackey

*I wasn't sure it would happen, but I'm all punned out. Can you think of any good ones that I missed?

Things that nonbelievers thought were never going to happen but did: "Octomom" saying "Yes" to our spay-and-neuter billboard, the Large Hadron Collider smashing proton beams into one another, and (drumroll, please) author, social entrepreneur, and longtime vegetarian Michael Mann agreeing to donate his half of the hotly sought-after $50 million domain Sex.com to PETA (pending IRS approval of this tax-deductible donation, of course).

Mann's offer to donate his share of Sex.com has us poised to tell the world that a vegan diet supports a lifetime of good health and great sex. If all goes as planned, visitors to the new site will see our sizzling ads such as "Veggie Love" and get information that will help turn on carnivores to the power of "veggie Viagra." Mike's generosity makes everyone a winner: He'll score a huge tax write-off, meat-loving men who tend to limp through their later years (thanks to their artery-clogging diets) will learn how to make their sex lives sizzle by going vegan, and countless animals will be saved from the horrors of factory farms and slaughterhouses.

Written by Karin Bennett

Today, I sing the praises of the Internet. Not for e-mail—which is handy, yes—but all that Viagra spam irks me. (Hello? It's called "Veggie Viagra"). Or online games (like I need another addiction. The real reason I love the Internet so much is because now my "cosmic justice file" has grown exponentially and now comes with an international flavor.

Let's have a looksie at some of my faves, shall we?

• An exhausted, abused monkey decides he's not gonna take it anymore.
• During this year's Running of the Bulls, the tortured bulls weren't the only ones who lost their lives. (Of course, the bulls still lost in the end. They always do.)
• Karma's a bitch, especially when another inmate delivers some Mike Tyson–style payback after you cut off the ears of your dog.
• Film critics thought Lady in the Water was a stinker, but this fisher "lady" in the water left many fishing critics beaming.
• This white tiger saw red as he mauled a zookeeper to death. Subsequently, so did zoo visitors.
• If this guy would have used our humane bug catcher instead of trying to kill a spider with a lighter, he wouldn't have almost burned down his house.
• Does this tune haunt you? I don't suggest fishing in a shark's waters.
• Lions and tigers and a very angry bear (Oh, my!) must have been fed up with being kept in a cage.
• What rhymes with "possum?" "Awesome," so don't try to shoot 'em.
• The gored matador from this bullfight hopefully learned his lesson and has picked up a more constructive hobby. I hear crocheting is nice.

buzzfeed / CC

Now, tell which of the above is your favorite example of cosmic justice.

Written by Karin Bennett

missbakerbiologyclass / CC

A female manatee and her nine suitors made quite a splash on Sunday night for some beachgoers in Miami. The sea cows' amorous affair turned into a sort of seaside peep show.

Ah, horny manatees. Conan O'Brien loves 'em, and after a late night tryst of that, ahem, magnitude, is it any wonder why? They are vigorous vegetarian lovers, after all.

In fact, I'd like to think the manatees came ashore to demonstrate their vegetarian vitality to onlookers and inspire them to rev up their love lives by swapping steak for seitan and cows' milk for soy milk. After all, a vegetarian diet rich in fruits, vegetables, and whole grains helps keeps the blood flowing through all the arteries.

Say, "So long, Viagra!" and "Viva, veggie Viagra!"

Conan O'Brien, if you're out there—we'll keep our eye out for more manatee love sessions, and you just let us know if you need info to include on your Web site.

Written by Karin Bennett