A report issued this week by Sens. John McCain, R-Ariz., and Tom Coburn, R-Okla., blasts 100 "questionable," "mismanaged," and "poorly planned" stimulus-funded projects, including an especially cruel and wasteful experiment that the report aptly calls "Monkeys Getting High for Science." (No, it isn't another Onion story, unfortunately.) The study in question is being conducted at the Wake Forest University Baptist Medical Center, which nabbed $71,623 in stimulus funds (i.e., tax dollars) to feed cocaine to monkeys.

"I think all of [the projects] are waste," McCain told ABC News. "[S]ome are more egregious than others but all of them are terrible."

Hooking monkeys on coke definitely falls into the "more egregious" category. Unfortunately, the idiotic study is just a drop in the proverbial crack pipe. Other mind-bogglingly absurd addiction studies on animals include the following:

• National Institutes of Health–funded experimenter Michael Weed trained monkeys in a basic motor task, infected them with simian immunodeficiency virus, and then checked how they performed the task—while on cocaine. So now we know … what? That you shouldn't hire monkeys with STDs who are high on drugs to mow your lawn?
• Yale professor Marina Picciotto wasted taxpayer money to feed monkeys Kool-Aid laced with huge amounts of liquid nicotine (the equivalent of 17 packs of cigarettes a day in one case!) and addicted rats and mice to cocaine, morphine, and alcohol before decapitating them. Anyone with a head on their shoulders would realize that this is cruel—and pointless.
• Oregon National Primate Research Center experimenter Eliot Spindel impregnates monkeys and injects them with dangerous levels of nicotine. He then kills and dissects their preterm babies after cutting them out of their mothers. Yeah, pregnant women shouldn't smoke—we know that already.
• Another frequent rider of the NIH gravy train, Stephen Suomi, separates baby monkeys from their mothers and gives them access to alcohol to see how stress and maternal deprivation affect their desire to drown their sorrows. Just reading about this makes me want to head to the nearest bar.

Please help prevent more money from being flushed down the laboratory drain by asking the National Institutes of Health to stop funding addiction experiments on animals.

Written by Alisa Mullins

You might remember the wildly popular "Road to the Greenhouse" video from earlier this year. Well, it's back and better than ever as Broccoli Obama and Dijon McCain battle it out with a surprise third-party candidate extraordinaire … [spoiler alert] … Chris P. Carrot!

Now, Carrot ran for election back in 2004 but got a lot of flack from haters when his "Eat Me" outburst made headlines, but now he's back—more mature, patriotic, and delicious than ever.

So go ahead this year and Rock the Vote … or, er, Vote or Die … er, um … Go Veg? No, that's not right. Just do yourself a favor and watch our super-funny video!

That's right, our new video is hilarious. We packed it with more jokes than you can fit in Carrot Top's trunks. We're so funny you probably missed half the jokes. To prove your wit, post a comment with how many puns and double entendres you counted in the video. Everyone who gets the right number will win a special prize.*

Written by Christine Doré

P.S. As a 501(c)(3) organization, PETA does not endorse or oppose any candidate for public office or any political party. That also means we won't allow any comments of that nature, so please save us the trouble and don't mention any candidates or political parties in your comments. Deleting them is tiresome. Ditto if you don't like our video. Keep it to yourself, because we know it's awesome.

*The special prize is to be determined. If you have any suggestions, feel free to post those too.