Dolphin dialects, animal-friendly apps, and beaver relievers. Your Tuesday helping of Internet Soup is more fun than a jungle full of free-roaming monkeys:

• A neat invention could enable us to understand "dolphinese." As for what they'll say first, the smart money is on "Someone please get me Ric O'Barry on the phone."
• Why did the beaver cross the road? Because the crossing guard told him to.
• Has your phone made a cow happy today?
• A New York City parking attendant proves that apples can save your life in more ways than one.
• Florida's new sex law casts a wide net.
• We know why the uncaged bird sings.
• How many vegetarians does it take to hold more than 120 Guinness World Records? Lower. Lower …
   

Written by Michelle Sherrow

You've probably never heard of elephant polo, and now that Guinness World Records has agreed to stop documenting records for wins in elephant polo matches, perhaps you never will again. The publishing giant made the move after learning from PETA U.K. that captive elephants forced to perform in such matches in India and Thailand are torn away from their families, beaten, and gouged with rods that have sharp metal tips.

In a letter to PETA U.K., Guinness Editor-in-Chief Craig Glenday wrote, "This decision is in line with our policy not to accept or recognise any records based on the killing or harming of animals."

ravikiran rao/cc by 2.0

Among the other records the book will not recognize are those involving fox hunting and bullfighting. Anyone who still thinks that elephant polo or other cruel "sports" are acceptable should have the divots stomped out of them.

Written by Michelle Sherrow

richmondoktoberfest / CC

I have flipped through Guinness World Records more than once, searching for a record that I could break. Longest fingernails? No thanks. Longest bout of hiccups? Whoa, 68 years!

Turns out, I'm not the only one looking. KFC is hoping to make a name for itself—other than Kentucky Fried Cruelty … or the company with the most people who've resigned from its animal welfare committee … or the company that's most resistant to taking any effort to stop chickens from being scalded alive in its de-feathering tanks—by attempting to break the world record for (wait for it) most people doing the chicken dance at once.

The Guinness World Records folks have already shown that they are a sensible and decent bunch by stating, "We do not accept records based on the killing or harming of animals." So we've now approached them to ask them to refuse to accept record attempts from companies that have yet to adopt even modest humane reforms to reduce the needless suffering of animals. After all, the chicken dance is what people do at weddings and bat mitzvahs. Who wants it associated with the pain of billions of chickens, many of whose throats were cut while they were still conscious?

Here's hoping you'll be seeing my name in Guinness World Records before anyone shakes their tail feathers for KFC.

Written by Shawna Flavell